In My Shoes

~ Well, Actually, We Don't Have Any Kids ~

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"Well, actually, we don't have any kids"... 
So this is the response I gave to a lady last week whom I hadn't seen for years. We had re-connected at a ladies meeting and she asked me if  my hubby was home with the kids. I laughed it off, but it was a statement that, for every barren woman, cuts like a knife. It wasn't unusual, or even wrong for her to ask me that question. I mean, it had been well over ten years since we had really been around each other or even communicated, and why wouldn't I have a brood of little ones at home with the hubby? 

This is a scenario that plays out quite often in our lives. I call it the "Five Years Later" scenario. Why? 
Well, one thing that has been hard with our infertility is the passing of time(eight years for us and for others it's much longer). There is a natural progression in life...you grow up, you get married, you have kids; and with that, life is always progressing. You celebrate your baby's one year birthday, your kid starts preschool, you have a 2nd child, and so on and so forth. Once the kids come, there is just a natural progression that continues on and happens...
that's just life and people expect it!!!

BUT....

without kids, life seems to stand still a little more...

Here's an illustration:
There is an special event and you meet up with old friends - everyone is married.
Several years later you meet up again at that same event - everyone has a kid, but you...you're still JUST married.
Several years later you meet up yet AGAIN - everyone now has SEVERAL kids, but not you...you're still JUST married. 
It seems as if you have nothing in common with your friends and as they all sit around talking about the evils of potty training you just wish to God you could have a child to potty train. 

This is the "Five Years Later" scenario. Time goes by and life hasn't moved on for you. You feel like everybody is growing up and fulfilling their roles in life and you are left behind. Five years later, their family has grown and your family remains the same.

So, back to the illustration...The second time you meet at the event(and everyone has a child), it's disappointing, and you feel a little left out, BUT that's Ok. You expect to get pregnant soon and the next time you meet, you'll be able to show off your little one.

BUT...

time for the event roles around again AND you arrive empty handed. The disappointment grows stronger and the trial IS harder. You struggle in your mind to be content, yet you thank God for His MANY blessings to you. You realize...you're not really empty handed, you just walked into the conference with your husband's hand in yours!!!! You tell God that you are thankful that you have a husband and you ask God to please bless and grow your marriage through this trial. You beg God to protect your heart from bitterness; you desire so strongly to stay tender to His will for your life. So, you surrender ONCE AGAIN, but in that same thought of surrender, in the deep recesses of your heart, you whisper a yearning prayer to your Heavenly Father, "Please, Lord, please help us to have a child." 

You put on a smile, walk over to your group of friends and settle in for some fellowship...

You're smiling, 
chatting with your friends, 
laughing at their potty training jokes, 
and holding their new baby. 

BUT....

What you're really doing is..

You're smiling while weeping inside,
chatting while praying inside,
laughing while hurting,
and holding while hoping! 

"But I will hope continually, 

and will yet praise thee more and more." 

Psalm 71:14

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