In My Shoes: April 2015

~ Bicycle Built For Two ~
our story with infertility

It's pretty impossible to sum up many years of struggle in one simple blog post. I could write a book, but I don't have time to write a book and you probably don't have time to read it either - haha! So I will share the tip of the ice burg, so to speak, even though it still seems like a long post. Also, I could never express, in adequate words, HOW GOOD God has been through these years. We are blessed!!!

We got married in 2005, and will soon celebrate our 10th anniversary.

So for many years it's been JUST US - me and my precious Neil.

(At the end of this post I've posted some pics of us through the years...)

I've LOVED our years of togetherness. We've gotten to know each other on a real deep level. We've had the privilege to focus on one another, to learn about each other, minister to each other needs, laugh...a LOT, go on spontaneous dates, cry together, struggle together, mature together...

to just be

ME & HIM

We have really only been dealing with the reality/trial of infertility for about 8 years (it seems like an eternity, though) Of course right after you get married people start to bluntly ask when the kids are going to start popping out : ) haha. As time passes into YEAR 3, 4, & 5, and there are no baby announcements, people start to wonder and become curious.

Ultimately, God is in control of when and how we will have children. Nothing we do can change HIS plan! To be completely open, I have had my moments of real bitterness, but I believe God gave me victory over that, and I can honestly say we have been thankful for this trial. God's way is perfect and He works in mysterious ways!

"As for God, His way is perfect..." Psalm 18:30

For a while we thought, "Well, it just hasn't happened for us". But after several years passed, we realized there might be a real problem. We had really tried to be laid back. We didn't want to stress - just tried to be natural, and let things happen. We really weren't aggressive in our approach to get pregnant at all. We just really tried to pray, be ourselves, focus on our relationship, loving one another, and ultimately trusting God. At a certain point though(about year 6) we did began to have a different approach in addressing some problems - praying for guidance as we tried to pinpoint the issue. We had Neil tested and he was fine, so we started to think my health issues were the culprit and decided to focus on that...

We decided that we didn't think it was God's will that we seek medical intervention in getting pregnant, but we chose to do things as naturally as possible. We learned that I had major hormone imbalances, stage4 endometriosis, and several autoimmune disorders that were most likely complicating things. I started researching my health issues, ways to work through them, and how to get healthy and get pregnant.

I'd sacrifice anything to get healthy so I could be a mom

Obviously is took several years to work through different methods...we'd focus on one treatment and when it didn't seem to work, we'd try a different plan for another 6 months or a year, etc... Time passes quickly and before you know it, you're married 6, 7, 8 years and wondering why you're still not pregnant after all the things you've tried!!!

Here are just a "few" of the main things we tried through the years...

- I took an online course about the womans body

- I used a program called Fertility Friend and learned how to take my temperature (BBT) every day, chart my ovulation, chart my symptoms, etc... Used this system MANY months!!!!

- I had many GYN appointments to get help & direction

- I changed my diet and lifestyle, did cleanses, detoxed, lived gluten free and sugar free, etc. - did this for about 2 years

- Tried reading every night in bed : )LOL *a midwife on a movie told a lady she'd get pregnant if she read at night...haha - I was so desperate I took advice from a movie!!!!! HA!

- Lost Weight - about 20lbs

- Used OPK's for a while

- Had my Endometriosis scraped/cleaned out, which has a high success rate - although this wasn't a natural approach, the actual surgery was necessary due to a large cyst (more about this later...)

- Went to a hormone specialist

- Took Progesterone Cream for about a year

- Fasted and Prayed

- Tried the whole temperature, ovulation, timing thing AGAIN

-De-stressed our Life/changed some routines

- I Read books and many articles about health & pregnancy,etc... There's several different great books, programs, & pregnancy plans you can do to change your body to promote pregnancy!!!

- Pregnancy Yoga - I really enjoyed this. It was relaxing and de-stressing, but obviously didn't work :(

For every couple its a journey of sheer frustration, hurt, and disappointment. There is an ache, a pain, an emptyness, a void...
You wonder why?

You struggle in your relationship with each other and with your relationship with God. You realize you HAVE to cling to God and to each other, but it's SOOOOOOOO HARD!!!! The journey is SOOOOOOO HARD!

You see all these cute families and you wish it would just happen to you. It's very emotional!!!

Raw Facts about us:
Taken TONS of pregnancy tests.
No miscarriages that I know of.
Never got pregnant that I know of.

* Although, there was twice that I was very suspicious that I had a miscarriage but there's really no way of knowing for sure. Many times, through the years, I was very convinced that I WAS pregnant so I would take a HPT and it would be negative. I would be completely shocked...I had had so many pregnancy symptoms, had so much hope, and had been praying & fasting - HOW COULD IT BE NEGATIVE!!!!! My faith had been strong and so I would be convinced and just expect to see a positive staring back at me. More than once I was shocked out of my mind that I was seeing a negative - jaw dropped and confused as to how I could NOT be pregnant!!!!!! It was at times like this I would crash hard and deal with bitterness, anger, and depression.

It didn't happen often, but I do remember just a couple times I didn't go to baby shower or even a church service, cause I was just such a wreck. I HATED feeling that way, but it really consumes you (more than you think).

Emotions were a constant exhausting battle. Interestingly, there were times that I really did NOT want to get pregnant...I remember the first time I experienced the emotion or feeling that I didn't want kids - I was actually scared to get pregnant. Mostly because of my health issues. I knew that I could NOT take care of a baby - I would just go through so many days were I was bed ridden. When I experienced that feeling, it really bothered me because I had NEVER understood woman who felt that way. How could they say, "I don't want kids" or "I don't have a desire to get pregnant". I didn't understand that!!!!! When I actually went through a period of time that I experienced those same emotions myself, it scared me, but then I realized...now I know what its like to be in their shoes. I was glad that I could experience a new emotion cause it gave me a wider understanding for woman that I could minister too.

When I would tell Neil that I had decided I didn't want kids, he would laugh inside(I'm sure), but graciously tell me that it was probably just my emotions and to just pray about it and give it time. We would snuggle and I would cry it out or just vent.

He was an amazing listener and very understanding!!!

WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS HOW THANKFUL I AM FOR MY HUSBAND!!!

2009

Infertility is a journey of hurt after hurt after hurt. You pray yourself through, and God gives such precious comfort, but it still hurts!

One time at a GYN appointment, my dr. told me excitedly that she thought I might be pregnant
and got my hopes up, then she checked and matter-of-factly said,

"Nope, never mind, it's just a cyst". Then she literally walked out abruptly!!!
As I was leaving she gave me spanish fliers about Endometriosis
to read when I got home...seriously...Spanish???

Also Neil was out of town during this, so I was crushed, angry, & ALONE!!!!!!!

* * *

Another time, a lady I knew, had been telling me that kids

annoyed her, but a few weeks later

said she was pregnant. Her whole pregnancy

she complained about how horrible it was and called her

unborn baby a brat!!!! THAT WAS REALLY TOUGH for me to process.

* * *

Once after a church announcement of yet ANOTHER pregnancy, I just went home

and sat in the shower and cried for hours, then my hubby crawled in

with me and we just sat on the floor of the shower, being pelted with water,

just crying and hugging and praying!!!!

Neil was my voice of reason through it all. He would balance out all my emotional thinking with logic or comforting hugs or words of encouragement (or "pastoral counseling" haha) He was my rock and I depended on him for so much!

Many times, through the past years, we were asked if we had thought about adoption - yes, we thought about it many times...in fact we talked for years about the possibility of adopting and how much we would love to if that's what God has for us. We read about it, studied, and educated ourselves on it. In 2008 we were actually asked by a friend to adopt her foster baby girl, but that opportunity did not work out for us. It just wasn't God's time. In 2011 we decided to go through Foster Care Training - praying & thinking that that route might be good for us. We enjoyed it - the classes were very good, and it really opened our eyes to some needs, BUT the door was closed on that as well.

Our hearts ached to have children. We would have loved to adopt that baby girl...we would have loved our foster kids, BUT in so many things, God revealed to us the importance of His timing. Even though we did NOT understand it at all, we CHOSE to trust our Heavenly Fathers plan for us. We just prayed ourselves through the heartaches!

I love what Elizabeth Elliot says...

November 2013 I had surgery.

The surgery was to remove a very large stage 4 endometrial cyst. They were VERY VERY concerned about it being ovarian cancer but they discovered I was cancer free - Praise the Lord!

This surgery really gave us MORE hope than we ever had before because during the surgery they scraped out my Endometriosis - that is usually a pretty good chance when ladies have that done!!!! : ) I'd heard LOTS of success stories and my surgeon said I could easily be pregnant within 6 months after my recovery time - if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months to call her. Like I said, our hopes were high...woman are known to get pregnant within the first few months after having this surgery - its commonly successful!!!

We really thought this was OUR time!!!!

BUT, Six months came and went. It was May 2014 now. I was not pregnant, so I called my Doctor. She preceeded to tell me that due to my stage4 Endo, my age, my current health issues, my history, AND the fact the surgery didn't seem to help, that she didn't think I had much of a chance. In fact we found out I have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant.

So it was the first time

we felt like we had a solid answer.

Although we had previously decided we would never do In-Vitro, we actually began to pray about and strongly consider it. My Doctor recommended it too, but she said there was no guarantee. We researched a few things and found out that with stage4 Endo, In-Vitro ONLY raised the chances for us to 3% maybe 5%!!! We chose not to do In-Vitro for many reasons!!!

Once we worked through all the emotion of this diagnoses, a certain calm set in. IT WAS AMAZING AND A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN!!!!
We experienced peace that we cant explain, but God DOES promise peace that passes all understanding - AMEN! We actually got to the point where we both agreed that we would be fine if it was JUST US the rest of our lives. I could even imagine it! I then wrote a blog post called "Bicycle Built For Two". I never posted it publicly, but sent it to many friends sharing our testimony!
*(That post was finally edited and developed into THIS ONE I am writing now)

During the 6 months after our diagnosis, our life was VERY different...

I felt a certain pressure off me. Not sure if I can explain it, but I was soooo relieved! I experienced a resolve. We were just thankful to focus on us more intentionally and to just enjoy the MOMENT and circumstance that God chose to give us. We went on a bunch of dates, went out to eat, had fun, I trained for and ran my first 5K, we did some shopping, bought some new furniture, AND prepared whole-heartedly for my sisters wedding(which was SUCH a special time in our lives) We just truly enjoyed ourselves. We LIVED LIFE in the moment! For so many years we had been focusing on the "one day" or "in the future" or "if". So at this point, from May 2014 to about October, we just lived for the NOW and were happy in a way we had never experienced. TRULY HAPPY!!!!!

These months, from May to October, were a healing time for us.

We nurtured each others hearts and God took care of us.

Trials may be short lived or trials may go on for years.

I believe God was just giving us closure in that trial.

Our desires began to change and we were content and happy!!!

Throughout the years, as we have prayed, dreamed, and asked God for strength, we have collected baby stuff to help cope. We have had some baby furniture tucked away in our storage unit for years, and also a hope-chest full of maternity clothes, baby clothes, and baby necessities that we tucked away for...ONE DAY!!!!

During those times when "one day" seemed so far away; in our moments of waiting, we would strive to rejoice in hope, remaining patient in our tribulation(Romans 12:12)

I know this post has focused on more of the struggle of our trial, but through it all God has been good and I never want to overlook that God has blessed us tremendously through the past years.

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits..." Psalm 68:19

"...how great is His goodness..." Zachariah 9:17

I've learned that God's timing is more important than our agenda. We've chosen to trust, knowing that our precious Saviour loves us and has a perfect plan for our lives...

I believe NOW we are seeing God's perfect plan for our lives begin to slowly unfold in front of our eyes. YOU SEE, It's the right time!!!

It was October 2014 - One day we didn't know God's plan, and then the next day He chose to reveal it to us...

We will be adopting a baby!!!

Words truly can NOT express our excitement!!!! Adoption has been in our hearts for years, but we just had to WAIT for God's best time for us. Most importantly, we CAN'T WAIT for God be glorified in this new journey in our lives!!! Crazy adoption process-HERE WE COME! LOL!!!!

It's a little se-real to look back on the many tearful years of waiting and praying and hoping. I am SO emotional as I write this and realize our journey is changing!!!! We are now walking down a different path - a path we've dreamed of for years..ITS FINALLY HERE!!!!!

I never want to forget the past; where we've been...it's OUR STORY, OUR STRUGGLE, and OUR TESTIMONY!!! Actually it's really GOD'S STORY!!! May we humble ourselves and never take for granted this precious gift God will soon entrust Neil and I with.

Walking by Faith,

DeAna