PEDDLING FORWARD. LOOKING BACK. Part 1

Peddling Forward. Looking Back. 

~ our Davis journey ~

(PART 1 - PEDDLING FORWARD)

Almost 2 years ago we made the decision, along with Godly counselors, to step away from our church in Davis.

I spoke to my Uncle about it and he said that "so many people move on because they don't see results, but that's not the reason to move on. You move on because God tells you to move on." It was so encouraging to talk with him.

We were deeply disappointed, but we knew God was moving us on from the church, however, we did NOT believe God was moving us from Davis. It was frustrating in a way, because it made sense for us to move, but you don't do something cause it makes sense, you do it because God leads you to do it... So we stayed put!

We continued to minister here as much as possible by passing out tracts and sharing the gospel.

We stood still for a while, praying for direction, seeking God's will, and many times not understanding why it seemed we were "just hanging around in Davis,  and what seemed to be "in-active" in ministry.

It. Has. Been. Hard.

Seems like a simple statement, but the last two years have been the hardest of our lives - the most trying & tested time we've ever been through. 

We had to trust that God had a plan and that this waiting, empty, silent  time was needful in our lives. 

Well, we recently received a VERY CLEAR leading that God wants us to move FROM Davis, but here's the twist... WE HAVE NOW CLUE WHERE GOD WANTS US TO SETTLE!!!! haha
WHAT? I know you're probably disappointed. Well it's just another journey you get to join us on. :) hee hee!  So we might not know specifics, but we DO KNOW that, after years of silence, God is working & leading and THAT IS SO AWESOME!!!

It's like Abraham. God told him to move, but at first, didn't tell him where!!!! We've been ready to pack up and move for months, but God hadnt' given the green light yet. 

Now we have the green light...

SO, we are packing up, stepping out by faith on a new journey, and trusting God to guide us...

We are SOOOO excited because, we know 
GOD IS IN THIS! 

You should have seen how quickly we
started packing! :) LOL

We might not know our destination right now, but we are excited to begin this journey.

*   *   *  

FOR NOW, we are moving only 30 minutes away to Fairfield. We will temporarily live with Neil's mom. Neil also has a temporary job that God provided. 

We will be closer to our home church too and look forward to serving there less encumbered...living an hour away greatly limited our ability to serve. Also, Neil had an on call job here in Davis which kept us from committing to anything. That was all really wearing on us.

We know that this is just a small stepping stone on the way to Gods plan...

We REALLY TRULY believe that God has a special opportunity waiting for us and believe that soon God will reveal it!!!

There are an exuberant amount of emotions as we pack up and leave DAVIS!!!

It's harder to say goodbye than I ever thougtht it would be. There are SOOO many milestones here and an unbelievable amount of special memories... Church planting adventures, Holidays, New Friendships, Annie, Adoption Beginnings, Bike Rides, going Debt Free, our 10th Anniversary, My sisters wedding, etc...etc...etc...

However, I do believe the majority of our time here was chosen by God to be difficult in order to grow us and prepare us for a greater good. I believe that the past 6 years have been full of trials that can't be numbered. Trials that shook our faith. Trials that only God's great mercy & grace brought us through. We were broken here, disappointed, attacked by Satan, and tested in our faith & doctrine!!!!!!

The other day I drove around and just cried.

I said goodbye...

I saw parks where I would go to cry and beg God for a baby, for health, for our church.
I saw paths where I'd ride my bike and praise God for His goodness.
I saw homes and neighborhoods where we shared the gospel.
I saw the school where we began our church - great memories!!!
I saw the restaurants where we would eat and converse about our trials, our hopes& dreams, and difficult church people. LOL
I saw our first Davis home where Neil and I made life-changing decisions about our marriage, our faith, and our doctrine.
I saw people. OH THE PEOPLE that we came here to show Jesus' love.
I saw the town that rejected Christ and my heart ached.

This is where Neil "became" a pastor,
Where we started our journey to parenthood.
We grew.
We were strengthened.
We were molded into vessels fit for the Masters use.
I believe that DAVIS is where Neil and I became the people God wanted us to be.


DAVIS WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PIECE OF OUR HEARTS!!!

(and bicycles will always have a special meaning in our lives)

PLEASE keep praying for us as we "PEDDLE FORWARD" - as we walk by faith toward His new plan for us...

Walking by Faith,

DeAna

A Jonah Day

A "Jonah" Day

Wouldn't it be nice if everyday was perfect and wonderful and magical!!!! 

But that's not reality is it?

Many times God has a different plan for our day than we do. He writes a different story for us than what we would  choose to write for ourselves. Some days he needs us to struggle and have a hard time in order to teach us a valuable lesson and accomplish growth in our lives.

In the movie Anne of Green Gables, on a really tough day, Anne said she was having a Jonah Day - LOL!!, and knowing the story of Jonah, that makes sense!

So today was one of those days for me...

Many trials have been looming over our heads, and today, when bad news came, it just all came tumbling down around me. I fought every emotions of every trial. I was all over the place emotionally. I kept trying to ground myself in the Lord, but Satan was fighting. It was a roller-coaster of a day, but I made it through with God's help and maybe by sharing my testimony I will help someone else...

Journal of today:

~ Wake up! (thats obvious - haha)

~ Sit in bed  & Pray (I'ts important to start my day in God's strength before I get up to face Satan and the world)

~ Realize I need to be productive today because I start a new job TOMORROW!!!! (Getting this job was a huge answer to prayer and blessing for us financially, it gives me a purpose and helps my loneliness)

~ Don't open up blinds or turn on any lights because the air isn't working!!!!! urggg! Try not to complain about it tho!  (our air stopped working last week, but we have a small unit keeping the living room cool)

~ Make 9:00 phone call to my new boss because she asked me to call her this morning

~ SIT IN SHOCK AS I'M FIRED AND LET GO BEFORE I EVEN START!!!!!

~ SIT IN SHOCK NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO. HOW DO I TELL NEIL I JUST LOST MY JOB. WHAT. WHY. HOW?????? AHHHHHHHH! 

~ Reel into emotional despair - This job issue is just the tip of the iceburg of our trials right now... All emotions of all our struggles begin to overwhelm me!!!!!!! 

We cant start a church. We can't have a baby. I can't keep a job. I'm a failure!

~ Pray...Pray...Pray...I KNOW Satan is trying to take away my joy and my worth in Christ.  I need God's strength right now!!!!

~ Decide to call Sister and ask for prayer and comfort.

~ While talking on phone with Sister,  put on gym clothes - exercising will help release some emotion (I put on fun t-shirt that also gives excuse for my messy hair "Gym Hair,Dont Care"- haha - Oh, and I actually never made it to gym)

~ Ask hubby about fixing air-condition since he came home real quick to get a tool. Get agitated response from him. I feel flustered, but his job has been horrible lately so things are a bit more tense - poor guy!!!

~Spontaneously call a friend that just texted you. Talk to friend for two hours while walking around on the bike paths(hence no need to go to gym now). Cry on phone, pour heart out, hear friend quote Bible verses & pray with you on phone!!!!! FEELING ENCOURAGED!!! yay!

~ See hubby at lunch time and dread telling him I lost my job. He asks, "So, did you call your boss back"?

~ Tell hubby I lost job, then sit with hubby for lunch, in front of fans, in the super messy living room that we are hanging out in because it's the only cool room (see the fans and the hide-a-way-couch-bed)

~ During lunch discuss some things with hubby and start to feel REALLY discouraged and upset again! Actually PLOP DOWN ON HIDE-A-BED, BURY HEAD IN PILLOW AND SCREAM!!! Sit up all prim and proper and take a deep breath. See hubby sympathetically laugh at me. Laugh at myself.  (picture staged for sake of blog post)

~ Decide to stay busy and NOT THINK about life. Decide to fold laundry pile on the bed. See purple Bible on bed next to towels and decide to read Bible instead of folding towels. 

~ Read Psalms and cry out some frustration to the Lord.  Read Psalm 40:5 and realized God has done sooooooooooooooo much for me. I could never number all of my blessings.  I feel like having a pity party, but I know I need to be thankful...

~ Decide to get out my shoe journal and write a page of things I am thankful for. Afterwards I don't feel any better, but glad I wrote the list. Sometimes its not about a feeling, but the knowledge that you did the right thing. 

~ Realize today is a vicious cycle and that I'm really struggling. That Satan wants to devour me. Decide to play harp to calm spirit and feel close to God ( I tried to download clip of me playing, but it didn't work on here. I posted it on Facebook tho...)

~ Feel so many frustrations toward husband and God. Ask God for forgiveness. I decide to do laundry for husband to show an act of kindness toward him(he appreciates his underclothes drawers to always be full, so that's what I did...LOL)

~ Walk down hallway and see JOY sign and cringe and scowl at it. Stomp foot and stubbornly tell God "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE JOY!" (yes, i admit i did this...)

~ Decide to write a blog post and try to encourage someone else even when I'm feeling helpless and discouraged. Type....erase.....type....erase...type...erase... urgggggggg..... not feeling it :( Feeling like a failure!

~ Eat a bunch of Smarties while discouraged with typing, and feel COMPLETELY GUILTY for eating candy when I know very well I am NOT SUPPOSE TO!!!!!!!

~ Eat a VERY large organic carrot to make up for eating the candy! OY!!! 

~ PRAY SOME MORE AND READ PSALM 40 AGAIN!!!!!

~ Decide to just write a blog post about my day today, to just share that life is hard, but WE CAN MAKE IT. I hope to at least encourage one lady.

I was thinking that maybe the title of this post  should be - "A Day in the Life of a Lady That is Hot Mess, but by Gods Grace She Will Make It Through" LOL!!!  (I actually have a shirt that says, "Im a hot mess" Hahahahah)  

You know, to be honest, at the end of today, I really didn't "FEEL BETTER" emotionally; I didn't feel extremely victorious over life. I was still struggling and cried as I went to sleep,  but I KNEW in my heart I had fought my best against Satans attacks, I had run to God for help, and I made some right choices even during a really tough day.

Many times on a bad day, we fail at keeping our spirit right We get angry, tense, frustrated. We tend to notice more, on a bad day, the many other burdens we are carrying. Sometimes that bad day is "the straw". You know what I mean "THE STRAWWWWWW" : ) haha!  We get caught up in our emotions and many times we don't acknowledge God, when God should really be at the forefront of our bad days. We get so caught up in "just making it through, we don't make it through WITH GOD.

I mentioned  earlier that sometimes these hard days are for  growth. Do we surrender to it or do we buck it? We may not feel like doing good, or ministering to our husbands, or reading our bible, or choosing joy on days like this, but it must be done becuase it's the right thing to do. It's a spiritual battle and you are fighting between the flesh and the spirit. WHO WILL WIN?

I would have chosen different for my day, but God had today planned for a reason. Maybe the reason for my horrible day was to write this. Maybe the reason I lost my job was to protect me.  If I wouldn't have been having a bad day I would have never called my friend and she would have never made the difference in my life that she did. 

I may never know the real reason as to why God allowed me to struggle today, but I just need to trust HIM!!!  I can't go by my emotions, but I must have faith in the truth of God's Word realizing that...

HIS WAYS ARE HIGHER, HIS WAYS ARE JUST, 

AND HIS WAY IS PERFECT.

Walking by Faith,

DeAna

Walk In Your Own Grass - a list of things to do B4 kids

Walking In Your Own Grass

One day it will happen. 

You will have children.

But for now cherish each day God has given you without children!!!

What?

Did I just say that?

YES I DID!!!!!

That may be a hard thought, and I understand infertility can consume,

 but here's a little tough LOVE... 

 YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE GOD HAS FOR YOU NOW. 

God lovingly chastised me one day that I was wasting my life wishing for a future life - I was living for the "one day".  I was not embracing the moment. Once God showed me that, I chose to LIVE differently...

The grass always looks greener on the other side, but you are on YOUR SIDE, so don't spend all your energy and time wishing and dreaming about a different life with kids.

Its ok to desire, but SO MANY TIMES, for me, that desire robbed me of the present blessings.  You have to be careful to keep your mind and heart in balance. 

*   *   *   *   *
Four things I learned, that  helped me, 
and I pray they will help you too.

1. Walk in your own grass
Don't try to walk on someone else's grass. Stay out of their yard : ) haha 
Embrace your LIFE, YOUR GRASS! Roll in it...smell it (cause later it will smell like dirty diapers) LOL!
In other words - embrace where you are at in your life...Plop down on your grass, rest in the Lord, and be blessed where you are at right now in life!

("embrace your grass" figuratively not literally...hahaha)

2. Have no regrets
I did not want to get to motherhood and think... "WOAH! I had so much time and ability to DO THINGS...what did I even accomplish?" I have enjoyed spending MORE time on things like bible study, learning new recipes, reading, ...etc. 

Here is a thought, tho, that I DID NOT learn early on in my infertility.

I learned it later, but wish I would have had this advice earlier...

When you are trying to get pregnant you live life from month to month, 

SOOO when you realize you didn't get pregnant this month, have your 

moment of sadness and cry to God, BUT DON'T DWELL THERE!!!! 

I dwelled in that sadness TOO much and wish someone would have lovingly 

corrected me and  told me NOT TO!!!! Have your moment of disappointment. 

That's ok.  Pray,  feel God's love, THEN  think about what you can accomplish

in the next month of not being pregnant and BE PRODUCTIVE!!!

Infertility can suck the life out of you, but you can choose to not let it...I learned this later...

                
Don't have regrets. One month you will get pregnant and you don't want to think - "Oh I should have done such-and-such, cause now I have to focus on pregnancy". 


3. Enjoy the moment
You don't have kids, so enjoy that!  Trust me. I understand hard days of infertility, but my mind set was wrong many of those days. I missed so much of what God had for me. Don't miss out on the NOW! Don't let your obsessions with wanting a baby blur your vision of what God has right in front of you today... And if you have to pray a bazillion times a day for God to help you - do it! CHOOSE to love your life TODAY and LIVE IT!!!!!

4. A list of things to do B4 kids 

~Enjoy a cup of tea (with no ball knocking it over)

~Sleep in on saturdays. YES!!!!!!!
~Eat chocolate ANY TIME without having to sneak a piece. HAHA!
~Do intense Bible studies. I've spent ALL day many times!!!!

~WEAR WHITE!!! 
~Save money. You'll be glad you did when the kid comes
~Go to the bathroom. ALONE. That's a luxury for you now!!!! hee hee

~Enjoy those spontaneous dates with your husband.
~Enjoy anything spontaneous...
~Travel.

~Eat a hot meal. Yes, piping HOT, & eat the whole thing all in one sitting!

~Shop till you drop (without a tantrum)
~Flaunt your sexy nighties. You go girl! 
~Take a class. Learn something you've always wanted - a painting class, horse-riding lessons, a few nursing classes...whatever...

~Check facebook...GUILT FREE!!! ON YOUR COUCH, with your coffee(not in the bathroom with locked doors and little fingers poking underneath!)

~Spend money on YOURSELF!

~Go ahead...take that Nyquil!!! Roflol
~Take a long nap.
~EAT DESSERT FIRST!!! 

SO...

STEP ONTO YOUR GOD GIVEN PATCH OF GRASS & ENJOY DOING SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!

Remember the grass is probably greener on the other side cause it's over the septic tank or its fake!!!! hahaha So many times we wish for something we think is "better", but remember what God has for us is perfect. It's all about perspective.

Of course, on point #4, I could've probably made a list of 100 things, but wanted to keep it short...  I'd love to hear your ideas - what would you add to this list that you would do

Love & prayers to all my ladies I pray for that deal with infertility - I call it my HannahClub and I still pray each tuesday!!!! 

I LOVE YOU. GOD LOVES YOU...

Walking by faith,
DeAna