"Lord Help, 

We Don't Know What We're Doing"

Recently we had seemed to be spinning our wheels a bit in the adoption process. We had a list of 27 things to accomplish for our HomeStudy and we knocked out most of them in the first few weeks, but the last few tasks had seem to have us stumped(insert confused expression)  As much as we were trying, we just weren't making progress. Some things were confusing and I was getting frustrated and discouraged. Not sure why I felt stumped, but i was... Also this is Hubby's MOST HECTIC & CRAZY time of year with work, so I have been shouldering a little more of the process...

After a few weeks of not getting anywhere I started to pray about it(finally huh? should have prayed in the beginning) We asked others to pray with us too, and God gave an answer...

I realized the problem was US!

(insert "i feel dumb" chuckle)

I discovered that we don't know what we're doing!!! HAHAHA!  
I mean, we've never gone through the adoption process before and what I needed was 
just more information...
a little more direction...
a little more help... 

So I set up an appointment to call and talk with our social worker. We prayed and others prayed that we'd get the help and guidance needed... It was a simple need, maybe unimportant in some eyes, but it was still a need. 

So, You know those times when you go to someone's house...

you know you've been there before...

you can picture the house and the neighborhood...

you know which direction to drive...

BUT

as you get closer, you realize you might not remember exactly how to get there.

You drive around a bit trying to figure it out, but not really making any progress.

So, you call your friend, and they tell you 
which street they live on... 

or to take a right at the gas station... 
or go to the 3rd light, 
etc, etc, etc... 

Once you have a bit more information, it's easier to find what you're looking for...RIGHT?

AND

YOU ARRIVE at your destination!!!!!

That's kind of how it was for us...

We knew which direction we were headed in the process of our adoption.

We knew the outcome & what our destination was, but as we were "traveling" through the tasks we started to realize we needed a bit more direction.

ANYWAY, I called our case worker and she answered soooo many questions and helped in soooo many ways. I feel a HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders...Praise the Lord! The phone call gave us the EXACT help and guidance we needed AND the solution was easier than we thought - how nice is that. God is good!!! With not much effort at all we were able to mark a few more things off the list! WOO HOO!!!

 We are now one our way to finishing our HomeStudy... 

Thank You Lord!!!

"God Provides" OR "I've Never Been So Excited to Get Toilet Paper"

"God Provides"

OR

"I've Never Been So Excited To Get Toilet Paper" 

*     *     *

I'm smiling so big today. I love to see how God gives us the things we need.

 Sometimes it's BIG things and sometime it's little things.

I have learned so much recently about God's love and care for me and 
I am humbled by it. I know who I am...

I am a wicked sinner who doesn't deserve anything, yet He chose to 
save my soul and He loves on ME just because I am His child!

PRETTY A - MA - ZING!!!

As our Heavenly Father, His love is nurturing & caring. God's nature, as our FATHER, is to provide for us... He LONGS to bless us. He LONGS for us to come to Him with a sweet, humbled spirit and ask for our needs. We need to remember to crawl up on His lap, with childlike faith, and just tell him our thoughts and our desires. 

I've been reading the Gospels and I love the verses in Luke about God caring for the sparrow, the verse about the lillies and grass being clothed and protected, the verse that says if sinful earthly parents give good gifts to their children, how much MORE will the Heavenly Father give to us... 

God says ask...He wants us to ask. God says trust...He wants us to trust. I'm not a parent yet, but don't you mommas take extra care to make sure your kids have what they need? How much MORE will God do that for us! 

I've been working on my prayer life, my Ladies Bible Study at church is on Faith, and also Neil has been preaching on prayer on Wed nights. So, I'm getting a triple dose of this good stuff :)

  

I'm thankful God has been 

growing Growing GROWING my faith...

as I trust Trust TRUST my Heavenly Father.

I CAN'T WAIT for you to read this story...there's so MUCH MORE to it...but I'll try to be brief... Key word is "try" LOL!!!

My boss had given me a little bonus raise each weak at work, so knowing I would be home with the baby and that finances would be different, we had decided to use that bonus to stock pile some items and get some things in bulk to put away for later(when money would be tight.)

Just like Joseph in Egypt, 

we realized we were in a time of plenty

 and so we were preparing for a time of "not so plenty" LOL :)

I made a list of needs and things that we specifically use, and I started to pray for them. Some things I just went out and bought at Walmart. Others, God provided at a thrift store or God provided a coupon, etc...  The list was stuff like makeup, toiletries, kitchen & cleaning supplies, Clorox wipes, a few extra jean skirts for me, shoes for Neil(he goes through shoes like crazy so we were just gonna get a few pair to stick away) etc...stuff like that.

I had a pretty specific list and was working on marking things off, but there
is a lot more on the list that we still need...

Losing my job put a pretty big kink in this plan!

When I lost my job the "plenty" was no more. 

NOW, It has been over a month, and with no prospect of a new job, I had recently started to get a bit frustrated at the situation. 

This morning I decided to humbly crawl up on God's lap, get His attention, 

and just tell him that I felt unsure & vulnerable.

That I was frustrated that we could no longer 

 prepare for the times ahead. 

I shared with God...It wasn't that we had been using the money and depending on ourselves to provide, we made sure to acknowledge HIS provision of the bonus money and we were making wise choices with it.

I shared with God...even Joseph took advantage of a time of plenty and wisely prepared for the future

I shared with God...I honestly believed that everything on the list was needs and not wants, but I would surrendered that to His will. He knows MORE of what we need than we even do.

I shared with God...I was okay that we could no longer tackle the list, but that I was FULLY TRUSTING THAT NOW HE WOULD PROVIDE EVERYTHING ON THE LIST!!!

Yes, I was asking boldly, but isn't that what God wants us to do? 

I prayed my prayer around 9AM this morning(remember this)

A couple hours later my husband 
walked in the door with this stuff...

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!

BRAND NEW

IN THE PACKAGE

FROM COSTCO

SUPPLIES - STRAIGHT FROM THE HAND OF GOD!!!!!!!!!

(and yes, these items were all specifically listed in my book)

Toilet paper, napkins, kleenex and swiffer wet wipes! Woo hoo!!!! and a few more little things...

My hubby works for an apartment complex and as people move out he prepares for the next person to move in. He does things such as...painting, replacing parts, fixing breaks or leaks, etc... It's called "turning" the apartment. So this morning, as he was doing his turn for the day, he found a cabinet full of stuff. Any time he finds things people leave, he has to clear it through his boss before he takes it.

Guess what time she gave him permission that he could take it?

Around 9:00 

The same time I was "on God's lap" talking to Him!!!!!!

Need I say more... 

NOPE 

Just gonna smile and feel God's love
AND 
splish-splash through the showers of blessings He's sending my way...

Walking by Faith,
DeAna

The Empty Swing

THE EMPTY SWING

Each story is different...  

~Some have hoped for children for as long as 20 years   

~Some have been trying to get pregnant for only 2 years

~Some couples have teenagers in their home, but would love just ONE MORE baby. 

~Some couples were blessed with a child right away, but now they are experiencing Secondary Infertility

Despite each story, the pain of infertility is real to all.  There is an emptiness; a VOID that desires to be filled with a child.

I am dedicating this post to the many ladies

 I have been privileged to meet and 

pray for through the years 

that are dealing with the trial of infertility...

Dear hurting Lady, This post is just for you!

For those that know me, you may think that now that we're adopting I CAN'T understand anymore and that I've moved on and I don't care about my past trial, but thats not true. You see, I don't want to waste my trial - God gave me the trial of Infertility and my GREAT BURDEN for you ladies was born from my own experience!!! My infertility for the past 9 years  has SHAPED MY ENTIRE FUTURE LIFE!  It will forever affect me and I have honestly prayed and asked God to help me to NEVER FORGET where I've come from. 

I know your hurts. I understand your trial. I know your thoughts,  your tears, & your prayers. I understand those sweet moments when you see a child and you just smile and dream inside; you recognize the desire, but you're okay. I also understand those moments when your heart literally hurts, you can't breath, you sob for hours, and you're NOT OKAY!

Many of you I pray for, might not even know I pray for you. But I do!!!! I pray for you, by name, EVERY Tuesday. 

Many of you, I have tried to reach out to you and it has not been received. That's OK. I'm not offended. When I am concerned for you, I just take you to the throne of my Heavenly Father who I know can love and care for you more than I can. I know your hurt and I also know its a VERY personal trial and many times an invisible trial to others around you. It can be a sensitive issue and just know that in your secret moments of hurting when you feel like nobody cares, remember I CARE and GOD CARES! 

For many of you, I know you go from month to month trying and its just exhausting. You go from one session of tears to the next and you just survive from day to day... Guess what? You're going to make it...God will wrap you in his loving arms. He knows YOUR sorrow and holds your tears in a bottle(as it says in Psalm 56:8)
Ladies, cling to His Word.  PLEASE hang in there! You don't have to ALWAYS be strong, but PLEASE NEVER QUIT!!!!!  You never know when God will choose to end your trial, or give you an answer... You may have to wait a few more years, you may have to wait a few days... For us it was 8 years of waiting and then within a 24 hour period we went from having NO idea of what our future held, to God giving us an answer! 

Here is a quote from another article I wrote:

 "I believe NOW we are seeing God's perfect plan

 for our lives begin to slowly unfold in front of our eyes... 

You see, one day we did NOT know God's plan, and then the next day 

He chose to reveal it to us..."

God might not answer your prayer in the way you expect. He tends to, many times, answer our prayers differently than we expect. I prayed to get pregnant for soooooo long, but than God changed my desire and I CAN'T wait to adopt. Yes, I'm still getting a baby, but its a different answer.  For those with kids already, but you want more - God might not give you another one, but He might take your desire away OR he might impress on your heart to do Foster care and you'll get to "mother" many more...  Who knows... Just remember HIS ways are higher than ours. (Isaiah 55:9)

You might have to pray EVERYDAY for peace and trust, but thats OK too. (I did...sometimes MANY times a day)

I know its rough...You see all these cute families and you wish it would happened to you. 
All your friends take their kids to the park and you tag along, wishing that your child was enjoying the swings too. 
It's really emotional!!! 

For me, through the years, I collected baby stuff. We have some baby furniture tucked away in our storage unit  and also a hope-chest  full of maternity clothes, baby clothes, and baby necessities for...ONE DAY!!!!  

Seems like everything ends up at...
ONE DAY THIS...

ONE DAY THAT...

ONE DAY WE WILL...

Well, please know that

ONE DAY...

YOU WILL hear the giggles of your children

as daddy pushes them higher and higher in the sky

and they swing back and forth while

mommy snatches at their toes with each upward swing!

Your swing might be empty, but for now, fill it up...

WITH YOU, 
with dreams
with lessons from this trial,
with prayers,
with a hurting, yet hopeful woman of God...

I LOVE YOU, Sweet Ladies!

Walking by Faith

*If you haven't read it yet, I'd encourage you to read my post "Hoping & Coping"

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Bicycle Built For Two

~ Bicycle Built For Two ~
our story with infertility

It's pretty impossible to sum up many years of struggle in one simple blog post. I could write a book, but I don't have time to write a book and you probably don't have time to read it either - haha! So I will share the tip of the ice burg, so to speak, even though it still seems like a long post. Also, I could never express, in adequate words, HOW GOOD God has been through these years. We are blessed!!!

We got married in 2005, and will soon celebrate our 10th anniversary.

 So for many years it's been JUST US - me and my precious Neil. 

(At the end of this post I've posted some pics of us through the years...)

I've LOVED our years of togetherness. We've gotten to know each other on a real deep level. We've had the privilege to focus on one another, to learn about each other,  minister to each other needs, laugh...a LOT, go on spontaneous dates, cry together, struggle together, mature together...

to just be

ME & HIM

We have really only been dealing with the reality/trial of infertility for about 8 years (it seems like an eternity, though) Of course right after you get married people start to bluntly ask when the kids are going to start popping out : ) haha.  As time passes into YEAR 3, 4, & 5, and there are no baby announcements, people start to wonder and become curious.

Ultimately, God is in control of when and how we will have children.  Nothing we do can change HIS plan! To be completely open, I have had my moments of real bitterness, but I  believe God gave me victory over that, and I can honestly say we  have been thankful for this trial. God's way is perfect and He works in mysterious ways!  

"As for God, His way is perfect..." Psalm 18:30

For a while we thought, "Well, it just hasn't happened for us". But after several years passed, we realized there might be a real problem.  We had really tried to be laid back. We didn't want to stress - just tried to be natural, and let things happen. We really weren't aggressive in our approach to get pregnant at all. We just really tried to pray, be ourselves, focus on our relationship, loving one another, and ultimately trusting God. At a certain point though(about year 6) we did began to have a different approach in addressing some problems - praying for guidance as we tried to pinpoint the issue. We had Neil tested and he was fine, so we started to think my health issues were the culprit and decided to focus on that...

We decided that we didn't think it was God's will that we seek medical intervention in getting pregnant, but we chose to do things as naturally as possible. We learned that I had major hormone imbalances, stage4 endometriosis, and several autoimmune disorders that were most likely complicating things. I started researching my health issues, ways to work through them, and how to get healthy and get pregnant. 

 I'd sacrifice anything to get healthy so I could be a mom 

Obviously is took several years to work through different methods...we'd focus on one treatment and when it didn't seem to work, we'd try a different plan for another 6 months or a year, etc... Time passes quickly and before you know it, you're married 6, 7, 8 years and wondering why you're still not pregnant after all the things you've tried!!!

Here are just a "few" of the main things we tried through the years...

- I took an online course about the womans body

- I used a program called Fertility Friend and learned how to take my temperature (BBT) every day, chart my ovulation, chart my symptoms, etc... Used this system MANY months!!!!

- I had many GYN appointments to get help & direction

- I changed my diet and lifestyle, did cleanses, detoxed, lived gluten free and sugar free, etc. - did this for about 2 years

- Tried reading every night in bed : )LOL *a midwife on a movie told a lady she'd get pregnant if she read at night...haha - I was so desperate I took advice from a movie!!!!! HA!

- Lost Weight - about 20lbs

- Used OPK's for a while 

- Had my Endometriosis scraped/cleaned out, which has a high success rate -  although this wasn't a natural approach, the actual surgery was necessary due to a large cyst (more about this later...)

- Went to a hormone specialist 

- Took Progesterone Cream for about a year

- Fasted and Prayed

- Tried the whole temperature, ovulation, timing thing AGAIN 

-De-stressed our Life/changed some routines

- I Read books and many articles about health & pregnancy,etc... There's several different great books, programs, & pregnancy plans you can do to change your body to promote pregnancy!!!

- Pregnancy Yoga - I really enjoyed this. It was relaxing and de-stressing, but obviously didn't work :(

For every couple its a journey of sheer frustration, hurt, and disappointment. There is an ache, a pain, an emptyness, a void...
You wonder why? 

You struggle in your relationship with each other and with your relationship with God. You realize you HAVE to cling to God and to each other, but it's SOOOOOOOO HARD!!!! The journey is SOOOOOOO HARD! 

You see all these cute families and you wish it would just happen to you. It's very emotional!!!

Raw Facts about us:
Taken TONS of pregnancy tests.
No miscarriages that I know of. 
Never got pregnant that I know of.

* Although, there was twice that I was very suspicious that I had a miscarriage but there's really no way of knowing for sure. Many times, through the years, I was very convinced that I WAS pregnant so I would take a HPT and it would be negative.  I would be completely shocked...I had had so many pregnancy symptoms, had so much hope, and had been praying & fasting - HOW COULD IT BE NEGATIVE!!!!! My faith had been strong and so I would be convinced and just expect to see a positive staring back at me. More than once I was shocked out of my mind that I was seeing  a negative - jaw dropped and confused as to how I could NOT be pregnant!!!!!! It was at times like this I would crash hard and deal with bitterness, anger, and depression.

It didn't happen often, but I do remember just a couple times I didn't go to baby shower or even a church service, cause I was just such a wreck. I HATED feeling that way, but it really consumes you (more than you think).

Emotions were a constant exhausting battle. Interestingly, there were times that I really did NOT want to get pregnant...I remember the first time I experienced the emotion or feeling that I didn't want kids - I was actually scared to get pregnant. Mostly because of my health issues. I knew that I could NOT take care of a baby - I would just go through so many days were I was bed ridden. When I experienced that feeling, it really bothered me because I had NEVER understood woman who felt that way. How could they say, "I don't want kids" or "I don't have a desire to get pregnant". I didn't understand that!!!!!  When I actually went through a period of time that I experienced those same emotions myself, it scared me, but then I realized...now I know what its like to be in their shoes. I was glad that I could experience a new emotion cause it gave me a wider understanding for woman that I could minister too. 

When I would tell Neil that I had decided I didn't want kids, he would laugh inside(I'm sure), but graciously tell me that it was probably just my emotions and to just pray about it and give it time. We would snuggle and I would cry it out or just vent.

 He was an amazing listener and very understanding!!! 

WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS HOW THANKFUL I AM FOR MY HUSBAND!!!

2009

Infertility is a journey of hurt after hurt after hurt. You pray yourself through, and God gives such precious comfort, but it still hurts!

One time at a GYN appointment, my dr. told me excitedly that she thought I might be pregnant 
and got my hopes up, then she checked and matter-of-factly said, 

"Nope, never mind, it's just a cyst". Then she literally walked out abruptly!!! 
As I was leaving she gave me spanish fliers about Endometriosis 
to read when I got home...seriously...Spanish??? 

Also Neil was out of town during this, so I was crushed, angry, & ALONE!!!!!!!

*   *   *

Another time, a lady I knew, had been telling me that kids 

annoyed her, but a few weeks later

said she was pregnant. Her whole pregnancy 

she complained about how horrible it was and called her 

unborn baby a brat!!!! THAT WAS REALLY TOUGH for me to process.

*   *   *

Once after a church announcement of yet ANOTHER pregnancy, I just went home 

and sat in the shower and cried for hours, then my hubby crawled in 

with me and we just sat on the floor of the shower, being pelted with water,

 just crying and hugging and praying!!!!

Neil was my voice of reason through it all. He would balance out all my emotional thinking with logic or comforting hugs or words of encouragement (or "pastoral counseling" haha) He was my rock and I depended on him for so much!

Many times, through the past years, we were asked if we had thought about adoption - yes, we thought about it many times...in fact we talked for years about the possibility of adopting and how much we would love to if that's what God has for us. We read about it, studied, and educated ourselves on it. In 2008 we were actually asked by a friend to adopt her foster baby girl, but that opportunity did not work out for us. It just wasn't God's time. In 2011 we decided to go through Foster Care Training - praying & thinking that that route might be good for us. We enjoyed it - the classes were very good, and it really opened our eyes to some needs, BUT the door was closed on that as well. 

Our hearts ached to have children. We would have loved to adopt that baby girl...we would have loved our foster kids, BUT in so many things, God revealed to us the importance of His timing. Even though we did NOT understand it at all, we CHOSE to trust our Heavenly Fathers plan for us. We just prayed ourselves through the heartaches!

I love what Elizabeth Elliot says...

November 2013 I had surgery.

The surgery was to remove a very large stage 4 endometrial cyst. They were VERY VERY concerned about it being ovarian cancer but they discovered I was cancer free - Praise the Lord! 






This surgery really gave us MORE hope than we ever had before because during the surgery they scraped out my Endometriosis - that is usually a pretty good chance when ladies have that done!!!! : ) I'd heard LOTS of success stories and my surgeon said I could easily be pregnant within 6 months after my recovery time - if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months to call her. Like I said, our hopes were high...woman are known to get pregnant within the first few months after having this surgery - its commonly successful!!! 

We really thought this was OUR time!!!!

BUT, Six months came and went. It was May 2014 now. I was not pregnant, so I called my Doctor. She preceeded to tell me that due to my stage4 Endo, my age, my current health issues, my history, AND the fact the surgery didn't seem to help, that she didn't think I had much of a chance. In fact we found out I have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant. 

So it was the first time 

we felt like we had a solid answer. 

Although we had previously decided we would never do In-Vitro, we actually began to pray about and strongly consider it. My Doctor recommended it too, but she said there was no guarantee. We researched a few things and found out that with stage4 Endo, In-Vitro ONLY raised the chances for us to  3% maybe 5%!!! We chose not to do In-Vitro for many reasons!!! 

Once we worked through all the emotion of this diagnoses, a certain calm set in. IT WAS AMAZING AND A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN!!!!
We experienced peace that we cant explain, but God DOES promise peace that passes all understanding - AMEN! We actually got to the point where we both agreed that we would be fine if it was JUST US the rest of our lives. I could even imagine it! I then wrote a blog post called "Bicycle Built For Two". I never posted it publicly, but sent it to many friends sharing our testimony!  
*(That post was finally edited and developed into THIS ONE I am writing now)

During the 6 months after our diagnosis, our life was VERY different...

I felt a certain pressure off me. Not sure if I can explain it, but I was soooo relieved! I experienced a resolve.  We were just thankful to focus on us more intentionally and to just enjoy the MOMENT and circumstance that God chose to give us. We went on a bunch of dates, went out to eat, had fun, I trained for and ran my first 5K, we did some shopping, bought some new furniture, AND prepared whole-heartedly for my sisters wedding(which was SUCH a special time in our lives)  We just truly enjoyed ourselves. We LIVED LIFE  in the moment! For so many years we had been focusing on the "one day" or  "in the future" or "if". So at this point, from May 2014  to about October, we just lived for the NOW and were happy in a way we had never experienced. TRULY HAPPY!!!!!

These months, from May to October, were a healing time for us. 

We nurtured each others hearts and God took care of us.

Trials may be short lived or trials may go on for years.

 I believe God was just giving us closure in that trial. 

Our desires began to change and we were content and happy!!!

Throughout the years, as we have prayed, dreamed, and asked God for strength, we have collected baby stuff to help cope. We have had some baby furniture tucked away in our storage unit for years, and also a hope-chest  full of maternity clothes, baby clothes, and baby necessities that we tucked away for...ONE DAY!!!!  

During those times when "one day" seemed so far away; in our moments of waiting, we would strive to rejoice in hope, remaining patient in our tribulation(Romans 12:12)

I know this post has focused on more of the struggle of our trial, but through it all God has been good and I never want to overlook that God has blessed us tremendously through the past years.

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits..." Psalm 68:19

"...how great is His goodness..." Zachariah 9:17

I've learned that God's timing is more important than our agenda. We've chosen to trust, knowing that our precious Saviour loves us and has a perfect plan for our lives...

I believe NOW we are seeing God's perfect plan for our lives begin to slowly unfold in front of our eyes. YOU SEE, It's the right time!!! 

It was October 2014 - One day we didn't know God's plan, and then the next day He chose to reveal it to us...

We will be adopting a baby!!!

Words truly can NOT express our excitement!!!! Adoption has been in our hearts for years, but we just had to WAIT for God's best time for us.  Most importantly, we CAN'T WAIT for God be glorified in this new journey in our lives!!! Crazy adoption process-HERE WE COME! LOL!!!!

It's a little se-real to look back on the many tearful years of waiting and praying and hoping. I am SO emotional as I write this and realize our journey is changing!!!! We are now walking down a different path - a path we've dreamed of for years..ITS FINALLY HERE!!!!!

I never want to forget the past; where we've been...it's  OUR STORY, OUR STRUGGLE, and OUR TESTIMONY!!! Actually it's really GOD'S STORY!!! May we humble ourselves and never take for granted this precious gift God will soon entrust Neil and I with.

Walking by Faith,

DeAna

     

         US THROUGH THE YEARS...

2005

2007

2010

 2012

2014

2015

COMING SOON:

Bicycle built for two - PLUS ONE!!!!!!!!!

*THANKYOU TO ALL THOSE THAT WROTE THE MOST AMAZING COMMENTS ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE IN RESPONSE TO THIS POST!

I AM BLESSED! THANKS AGAIN!!!!!




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